Getting Through the Holidays After a Loss

In May of 2002 my husband, soul mate and business partner, Bill Peyton was killed in an auto accident.  My life was forever changed and every holiday after his death was seriously affected.  The most challenging holidays for me were the first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.  We had spent over two decades together on those and other special days and even thinking about those days coming up made me very sad.

One fact I realized immediately after working with my life coach Sharon Wilson,The Head Inspiration Officer of Coaching From Spirit, for over 90 min a week, that if I didn't want to fall into deep sadness, loneliness and depression, I was going to have to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally.  

What worked for me that first year was to first of all do something different, 

something I had never done before on these days.

Every year up until his death Bill and I had hosts Thanksgiving Dinner for our family at our home in Alta Loma.  His favorite dish of all was my lima beans that I cooked slowly in the crockpot which left house with such an amazing aroma. 

Then the family usually started piling in around 2pm or so bringing deserts or their special dish to add to the mix.  Bill and the guys were usually watching some game on TV.  While the women and the kids were doing our thing always to the backdrop of our favorite music.

November of 2002 would be different. No Bill and no desire to prepare lima beans. I felt myself wondering how I would manage the darkness that I felt was slowly trying to cover me.  I didn't want to slip back into darkness, I had been making progress with my coach,   However, it seemed inevitable until my brother mentioned a timeshare he had in Palm Springs.  Wow this would be different. Thanksgiving at a resort in Palm Springs!  We had never done anything like this before on Thanksgiving!  Everybody was onboard!  Doing something completely different helped me so much!  I began to feel the excitement of the anticipation of the day.  Focusing my thoughts on the newness of experience.  I was excited about taking my mom and having her experience Thanksgiving this way.  Also watching the kids in the resort swimming pool  Bill's spirit never left me during the holiday and has never left me and will never leave me.  But it felt as if he was a companion rather than a past memory, that he too was there enjoying the new experience, all I know, is that for me, I was able to manage my emotional energy in a way that allowed me to be free of sadness and open to life's new experiences.

Secondly and probably most importantly, as Christmas rolled around, I needed to give my focus to someone less fortunate than me and lastly continue to walk in gratitude for what I had and what was working in my life.  Again choosing what I decided to think about and stepping into gratitude and appreciation.  Each of us will handle these times of separation from someone we love in different ways, I was led to share my story in hopes it might encourage my you to know that no matter what darkness that may have befallen you, you have the power to either focus on whatever it is... or refocus on thoughts that bring you emotional relief.  I chose the later.

Here are some tips to consider that may help as you navigate the challenges, to help you work through these decisions together as a family. Getting through the Holidays from The Dougy Center 

1. Plan ahead. Anxiety and anticipation leading up to the season can be more intense than the actual holidays. Planning ahead can help lower anxiety, especially for children. Once you’ve decided what you can and can’t do, share your decisions with friends and family.

 2. Don’t let other people determine what you “should” (or “shouldn’t) do. You don’t have to do what others think you should do. Give yourselves the right to do what you want to do!

 3. Accept limitations. You may not be able to do all the things you’ve always done. Which aspects of the holidays are especially challenging for your family? Consider scaling back or changing things you may have done in the past, and consider what has been or might be especially enjoyable or meaningful to your family. 

4. Celebrate different feelings and preferences. Involve your children in discussions about what they would like to do. You and your family may decide to keep everything the same or change everything – or you may fall somewhere in-between.

 5. Be informed before attending events. Find out who will be there, how long it’s expected to last, and whether you need to do anything to prepare for it. As a family, brainstorm ways you and your children want to respond to questions or offers of help from others.

6. Ask for help, even when it’s hard to do. If it feels right, allow people to help in concrete ways such as cleaning, cooking, baking, shopping, childcare, and running errands. Sometimes we worry about burdening others, but more often than not, they are eager to help. 

7. Find time for rest. The holidays can be physically and emotionally draining, especially if you’re grieving. Encourage rest and quiet play at times, and plan for healthy eating and hydration for the entire family.

 8. Find ways to remember and honor the person who died. Here are some ideas to consider: • Light a memorial candle. Invite children and other friends/family to share memories. • Write a card or letter to the person who died. • Write memories on strips of paper and use them to create a paper chain. • Hang a special decoration in memory of the person, such as a wreath or stocking. If a stocking is used, family members can place cards or pieces of paper with memories inside. • Buy a gift the person would have liked and donate it to a charity. • Gift wrap a box and make an opening in the top for family and friends to share written memories. At a special time the box can be unwrapped and the memories shared. • Set a special memorial place at the table during a holiday meal. • Create a memorabilia table or corner where you can place photos, stuffed animals, toys, cards, foods, and any other kinds of mementos. • Share one of the person’s favorite foods or meals. Food can be a great spark for sharing memories.

The Family Meeting

1. The family meeting. We suggest working through this worksheet together with your children. Pick a place to meet (in your home or someplace else) that feels safe and comfortable and set aside enough time for everyone to be able to talk. Take breaks when necessary. If one long meeting seems like too much, break it up into shorter ones, or bring up a question/ topic to discuss one at the time. Let everyone know that their thoughts and opinions will be acknowledged and that each person will have a chance to speak. Because grief is so individual and unique, family members might have different feelings around certain holiday events and traditions. If a disagreement comes up, you can ask clarifying questions to help each person express their thoughts and feelings around wanting or not wanting to do something. A good communication skill is to repeat back your understanding of what someone said, to check on if you heard them correctly. By doing this, it will be easier to clear up misunderstandings and find solutions that work for everyone. 

2. Questions to consider during the family meeting. What did this holiday mean to the person who died? What do each of us need for support (hugs, privacy, time with friends) and who can we ask for help? How will we handle it if one person wants to do something and another person doesn’t? 

3. Holiday family plan checklist. After creating your lists for each item, go back through and identify who will be responsible for tasks you wish to keep/create, and who can help. Food: What foods do we typically cook? 

What were the favorite foods of the person who died? Who can help this year? Do we want to cook at home or go out? What will we bring to parties?

 • List what you normally do and star the items you want to keep.

 • List new traditions you want to start. Decorations: Do we want to decorate this year? What were the favorite decorations of the person who died? Do we want to create decorations to honor the person who died?

• List what you normally do and star the items you want to keep.

• List new traditions you want to start.  Events, parties, and family gatherings: Do we want to attend our usual parties this year? Will we host a gathering? Do we want to include the memory of the person who died? How? How will we handle conversations about the person who died? What about conversations with people who do not yet know about the death?

• List what you normally do and star the items you want to keep.

• List new traditions you want to start. Traditions: Traditions to think about: sending cards/newsletters, attending faith or community services, taking a trip or vacation, visiting the cemetery or memorial spot for the person who died. What traditions are connected to the person who died? Which new traditions would we like to create? (Explore this without worrying what others will think!) How will we carve out time for ourselves and our reactions? Who can we go to for support and care?

• List what you normally do and star the items you want to keep.

• List new traditions you want to start. 

Post-holidays: What have you traditionally done for New Year’s Eve and Day? What do you normally do during January and February? What did the person who died enjoy doing? You may want to plan a trip or some other special event for after the holidays end. January and February can be daunting months even during the best of circumstances, so it can be helpful to have something to look forward to that isn’t connected to the holiday season.

• List what you normally do and star the items you want to keep.

• List new traditions you want to start. Reflection: Just as you set aside time to have a family meeting to create a plan for the holiday season, it’s equally important to meet and talk about how things went for each of you. Let family members know ahead of time that there will be a chance to discuss what worked, what didn’t what you want to do differently next year, and to check in about how people are doing after the holidays. It can be important to let others know what they did that was especially helpful or caring. 

What happens in Life Energized Coaching?

Life Energized coaching can take you above and beyond your own personal limitations. More often than not, people try to achieve their greatest potential, but don’t even realize what stands in their way. We can offer an unbiased and objective perspective, and can help you realize your patterns and habits.

Life Energized Coaching has supported 100's of Realtors in achieving success by:

• Beginning with personality profile assessments such as the DISC test to determine your personality proclivities.  In other words we determine from the very beginning where your natural brilliances and talents are and where you need the greatest support. 
• For Realtors we use an interactive goal setting program to determine the following:
• Net income desired over the next 12 months
• Broker split
• Expenses expected for 12 months
• Gross closed income (GCI) needed to reach desired net income
• Total sales volume needed to acquire desired GCI
• The % of business which will come from buyers vs sellers
• The average percentage of commission from representing sellers vs buyers
• Determination of the average sales price you will be seeking to work with, which geographical farm area or people farm will help to determine this price point
• Next we will whether you be pursuing mets, non mets or a combination. This will determine your conversion %.  Non mets will be a lower conversion % as opposed to mets such as  past clients, advocates, SOI or a strong farm area. 
• Then we guesstimate conversion percentage of calls to leads, leads to appointments, appointments to contracts and contracts to closings.
• Lastly we break down the annual numbers to monthly and then weekly.

Then we use the Best Year Yet online 12 month goal setting and tracking program to :

• To determine your BIG Why.  We build a vision of your goal destination.  We take peek at where you see  yourself in 12 months as if it's already occurred.  This is exciting!
• Next we review actual accomplishments the past 12 months and even touch on disappointments and lessons learned.
• Next we access limiting belief paradigms and begin to rebuild new strong empowering ones.  We crate new guidelines to keep us on track.
• Then we discuss personal values and the various roles you play in your life for the purpose of building a well rounded plan that supports, business, financial, self care, family, spiritual, mental and emotional stability. 
• It is here where we integrate the real estate production goals we previously discussed.
• We then create the top 10 goals in our life which gives us our final print out of annual goals.
• Then we look at quarterly milestones.
• Our monthly and weekly goals then support our quarterly milestones.
• We stay on track together with strong accountability and determine when we are off the path and why.  
• You will score yourself after each week, month and quarter and have an opportunity to view your progress objectively.

During this incredible coaching process you will have a printed goal sheet after each session to keep close by as you move closer and closer to your goal destination and you receive prospective, accountability and processes to manage emotional energy so that it supports not sabotages your progress.  You experience encouragement and celebrations. 

For more information click here or visit www.life-energized.com or call 888-899-3610 to schedule a complimentary session.

If You Work Very Hard .. How Much Can Your Mindset Affect Your Business ...Really?

In the Best Year Yet online goal planning assessment there are 10 life changing questions. Question #4 "How Do I Limit Myself?" is often the most challenging but it is an opportunity for personal transformation and can make the biggest difference to your success. In order to have your best year yet, you need to make sure you are thinking about yourself in a way that helps you succeed rather than holds you back.

So often many of the 100's of clients I've coached and mentored over the years seem to be completely blind to the fact that they have been engaged in destructive negative self talk to the point where they have cut themselves off from any creative solutions and even potential existing resources which could support them in reaching personal and career goals.

I call these type of thoughts ANTs, Automatic - Negative - Thoughts. They are so insidious and so very destructive. When we continue to feed them just like the real ants, they expand. They go back and tell all their negative friends and relatives to head over to our negative mindset where there is sustenance and before you know it our beautiful sweet emotional mindset is covered with negative thoughts and images which keep us stuck in fear, worry and inactivity.

I recall coaching an agent who, as she entered by office was initially frustrated, fearful and irritated that her business was stagnant. We began our coaching session, as I always do with getting in a quiet place and setting an intention for our session. Next, we begin to focus on what was working in her career, I had her make a list of the clients she was currently working with and who she had in the pipeline and then asked her what was closing and when?  Literally within minutes I saw and she experienced an emotional shift. You could feel it in the room and see it in her eyes. What happened next was amazing. She began to remember lead and lead that she hadn't told me about because she had forgotten about them until her attitude made the shift. When she left my office she had over 25 potential clients in which she had completely forgotten because she had been focusing on what wasn't working.

I love this brand of coaching which integrates emotional energy management with new technology and traditional skill set development!

To begin your coaching experience here is my gift to you, your very own 12 month online goal planning platform. Pick it up at Life Energized Coaching in the right hand corner of the webpage.  Also feel free to contact me for a complimentary 30 min coaching session.

Are We Living by Design or Default?

I read something this morning that I loved. It read, what is your intention today? What do you want to feel and experience over the next 24 hours?

As I begin to ponder these questions. I became quiet and began to connect in with Spirit in oneness and gratitude. I visualized the day ahead and thought who will I see and what actions will I take? Then I considered what qualities I would demonstrate and what attitude I would hold. Would I be patient, adventurous, loving, grateful?

 Life is made up of a myriad of choices we make everyday. Over the past many years I've noticed that many of my clients in my coaching practice are living by default rather than by design.

I decided a year ago to create a morning call and I call it the "Create Your Day" call. Every day Monday through Friday for 15 minutes all of us on the call are given the opportunity to speak out loud about the blessings in our lives and name those circumstances we are grateful embraced us. Then we set an intention for what we'd like to show up in our day. We've decided rather than blindly propelling ourselves into the motion of the day, we would live our day by design and give our energy to the manifestations we desired to experience rather than just free fall into the agenda of other people including our own sometimes unconscious un-disciplined negative thoughts.

We are more powerful than we sometimes realize. Our thoughts go out and create a path for us. We get to have an impact on that path. By Design or Default?

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