Women Energized & Empowered

LIFE-ENERGIZED Blog: Getting Through the Holidays After a Loss

Getting Through the Holidays After a Loss

In May of 2002 my husband, soul mate and business partner, Bill Peyton was killed in an auto accident. My life was forever changed and every holiday after his death was seriously affected. The most challenging holidays for me were the first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. We had spent over two decades together on those and other special days and even thinking about those days coming up made me very sad.

One fact I realized immediately after working with my life coach Sharon Wilson,The Head Inspiration Officer of Coaching From Spirit, for over 90 min a week, that if I didn't want to fall into deep sadness, loneliness and depression, I was going to have to prepare myself spiritually and emotionally.

What worked for me that first year was to first of all do something different,

something I had never done before on these days.

Every year up until his death Bill and I had hosts Thanksgiving Dinner for our family at our home in Alta Loma. His favorite dish of all was my lima beans that I cooked slowly in the crockpot which left house with such an amazing aroma.

Then the family usually started piling in around 2pm or so bringing deserts or their special dish to add to the mix. Bill and the guys were usually watching some game on TV. While the women and the kids were doing our thing always to the backdrop of our favorite music.

November of 2002 would be different. No Bill and no desire to prepare lima beans. I felt myself wondering how I would manage the darkness that I felt was slowly trying to cover me. I didn't want to slip back into darkness, I had been making progress with my coach, However, it seemed inevitable until my brother mentioned a timeshare he had in Palm Springs. Wow this would be different. Thanksgiving at a resort in Palm Springs! We had never done anything like this before on Thanksgiving! Everybody was onboard! Doing something completely different helped me so much! I began to feel the excitement of the anticipation of the day. Focusing my thoughts on the newness of experience. I was excited about taking my mom and having her experience Thanksgiving this way. Also watching the kids in the resort swimming pool Bill's spirit never left me during the holiday and has never left me and will never leave me. But it felt as if he was a companion rather than a past memory, that he too was there enjoying the new experience, all I know, is that for me, I was able to manage my emotional energy in a way that allowed me to be free of sadness and open to life's new experiences.

Secondly and probably most importantly, as Christmas rolled around, I needed to give my focus to someone less fortunate than me and lastly continue to walk in gratitude for what I had and what was working in my life. Again choosing what I decided to think about and stepping into gratitude and appreciation. Each of us will handle these times of separation from someone we love in different ways, I was led to share my story in hopes it might encourage my you to know that no matter what darkness that may have befallen you, you have the power to either focus on whatever it is... or refocus on thoughts that bring you emotional relief. I chose the later.

Here are some tips to consider that may help as you navigate the challenges, to help you work through these decisions together as a family. Getting through the Holidays from The Dougy Center

1. Plan ahead. Anxiety and anticipation leading up to the season can be more intense than the actual holidays. Planning ahead can help lower anxiety, especially for children. Once you’ve decided what you can and can’t do, share your decisions with friends and family.

2. Don’t let other people determine what you “should” (or “shouldn’t) do. You don’t have to do what others think you should do. Give yourselves the right to do what you want to do!

3. Accept limitations. You may not be able to do all the things you’ve always done. Which aspects of the holidays are especially challenging for your family? Consider scaling back or changing things you may have done in the past, and consider what has been or might be especially enjoyable or meaningful to your family.

4. Celebrate different feelings and preferences. Involve your children in discussions about what they would like to do. You and your family may decide to keep everything the same or change everything – or you may fall somewhere in-between.

5. Be informed before attending events. Find out who will be there, how long it’s expected to last, and whether you need to do anything to prepare for it. As a family, brainstorm ways you and your children want to respond to questions or offers of help from others.

6. Ask for help, even when it’s hard to do. If it feels right, allow people to help in concrete ways such as cleaning, cooking, baking, shopping, childcare, and running errands. Sometimes we worry about burdening others, but more often than not, they are eager to help.

7. Find time for rest. The holidays can be physically and emotionally draining, especially if you’re grieving. Encourage rest and quiet play at times, and plan for healthy eating and hydration for the entire family.

8. Find ways to remember and honor the person who died. Here are some ideas to consider: • Light a memorial candle. Invite children and other friends/family to share memories. • Write a card or letter to the person who died. • Write memories on strips of paper and use them to create a paper chain. • Hang a special decoration in memory of the person, such as a wreath or stocking. If a stocking is used, family members can place cards or pieces of paper with memories inside. • Buy a gift the person would have liked and donate it to a charity. • Gift wrap a box and make an opening in the top for family and friends to share written memories. At a special time the box can be unwrapped and the memories shared. • Set a special memorial place at the table during a holiday meal. • Create a memorabilia table or corner where you can place photos, stuffed animals, toys, cards, foods, and any other kinds of mementos. • Share one of the person’s favorite foods or meals. Food can be a great spark for sharing memories.

The Family Meeting

1. The family meeting. We suggest working through this worksheet together with your children. Pick a place to meet (in your home or someplace else) that feels safe and comfortable and set aside enough time for everyone to be able to talk. Take breaks when necessary. If one long meeting seems like too much, break it up into shorter ones, or bring up a question/ topic to discuss one at the time. Let everyone know that their thoughts and opinions will be acknowledged and that each person will have a chance to speak. Because grief is so individual and unique, family members might have different feelings around certain holiday events and traditions. If a disagreement comes up, you can ask clarifying questions to help each person express their thoughts and feelings around wanting or not wanting to do something. A good communication skill is to repeat back your understanding of what someone said, to check on if you heard them correctly. By doing this, it will be easier to clear up misunderstandings and find solutions that work for everyone.

2. Questions to consider during the family meeting. What did this holiday mean to the person who died? What do each of us need for support (hugs, privacy, time with friends) and who can we ask for help? How will we handle it if one person wants to do something and another person doesn’t?

3. Holiday family plan checklist. After creating your lists for each item, go back through and identify who will be responsible for tasks you wish to keep/create, and who can help. Food: What foods do we typically cook?

What were the favorite foods of the person who died? Who can help this year? Do we want to cook at home or go out? What will we bring to parties?